The term “gray divorce” refers to people who divorce later in life, generally after long marriages.
In the article, “Divorce After 50: What I Wish I Had Known Beforehand” (originally published on Marketwatch), people going through gray divorces share information that they wish they could have shared with their younger selves, thus providing important considerations for others.
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Some time ago, I read an article in the Washington Post entitled, “My Parents Divorced Yet Continued to Live Together.” The author, Mekita Rivas, whose divorced parents lived together for 10 years post-divorce, wrote about the confusion and complications of their choices and the impact on her as a child.
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When a marriage ends, all parties grieve differently. The healing process for the divorcing couple often looks and feels very different from the children’s process. The myriad changes following divorce really impact the children. Parents who have been in painful relationships can be very eager to form a new relationship, and for their children to meet the new significant other in their lives. They may feel that their children need to see them in a healthy and happy relationship that they didn’t see during the marriage. Parents may also feel that they don’t have enough time with their new partner and with their children, and seek to maximize the time by spending time altogether. Unfortunately, many parents have a hard time seeing this experience through the eyes of their children and its impact on them.
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In a previous blog, I shared the poem Love After Love by Derek Walcott — a beautiful poem about learning to love the stranger that was yourself prior to the ending of your marriage or love relationship. After a relationship ends in divorce, it is not uncommon to yearn for a new relationship, especially if the marriage was devoid of emotional and physical intimacy. It is a human need to seek validation, especially by knowing that somebody else feels that you’re attractive and lovable — an experience that you may have missed for years.
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A beautiful poem by Israeli poet Zelda called “Each of Us Has a Name” begins:
Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents
Each of us has a name
given by our stature and our smile
and given by what we wear.
What does your name mean to you? Is it part of your identity? For many women who divorce, the divorce process precipitates identity choices — and a post-divorce name, and how that relates to a women’s identity, is often one of those choices.
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In his beautiful ballad, Percy Sledge sang to us, “Take time to know her, it’s not an overnight thing.”
Getting to know someone takes a long time. For many divorced people, there is a strong pull to find a new life partner, a new forever relationship, a new soul mate. Initial excitement during the honeymoon phase of a new relationship can mask problematic aspects of someone’s individual character. We may fall in love with the feeling of being in love or fall in love with our fantasy of who the other person is.
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It is not uncommon for our thoughts to get stuck in the mud — spinning like a wheel over and over again in our minds. These thoughts often replay the what and the why of the divorce. Over time, they become what we call “stories” or “narratives.” Unfortunately, these explanations usually do not help. They actually can perpetuate hurtful feelings, especially if they are harsh and critical.
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Divorce is difficult to recover from, yet critically important for your own physical and emotional health and that of your children for you to make a full recovery.
Considered akin to the death of a marriage, divorce ranks among the most powerful stressors in adult life because it creates uncertainty in every important aspect of life that was once stable, i.e. work, finances, children, etc. Relationships with friends and family are often affected—and you may wonder about future relationships and if you will ever find love again.
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Music touches our soul and speaks to a different part of ourselves—outside of our cognition. It provides the space to be more contemplative and meditative while building hope, inspiration, and energy. Read More
Recovering from divorce, and pressing the reset button on your life, requires persistence, mindfulness, and an ability to focus on internal response without pain, grief, or fear.
This is not an easy or swift process—it is necessary to create the time and space to feel the emotions and process the death of the marriage. Read More