Parents Living Together After Divorce
Some time ago, I read an article in the Washington Post entitled, “My Parents Divorced Yet Continued to Live Together.” The author, Mekita Rivas, whose divorced parents lived together for 10 years post-divorce, wrote about the confusion and complications of their choices and the impact on her as a child.
Despite being officially divorced, her parents often acted like a married couple, and the author was able to pretend that her family was intact… until there was also tremendous conflict, and the author learned that the relationship her parents forged was unhealthy and complicated.
I often recommend the following book to parents: What Children Learn From Their Parent’s Marriage : It May Be Your Marriage, But It’s Your Children’s Blueprint for Intimacy, by Judith Siegel, PhD.
We learn how to be in adult, intimate, committed relationships by those we witness as we grow up. And we tend to repeat what we’ve learned as children in our adult relationships.
Living together is a choice that few divorcing parents make; this scenario is not common. Yet for those that do, it creates interesting dilemmas:
- Children can keep the fantasy that their parents will get back together
- Less juggling and more convenience by being in one home may not compensate for intermittent intense conflict
- Children may have a difficult time explaining their situation to friends and community
Parents who choose this post-divorce setup believe this is what is best for their children. They may have made this choice for financial reasons, for expedience, out of a deep belief that having access to both parents in their home is protective, or perhaps convenience. Regardless, children — who are vulnerable to witnessing dysfunctional communication patterns — often grow up to model dysfunctional relationships in the future.
Creating a co-parenting arrangement that is best for the entire family, most importantly the children, is critical. The seeds planted during these years will blossom accordingly when children enter into adult relationships of their own.
If you’re considering living together after divorce, please contact us to discuss the pros and cons.