It is not uncommon for our thoughts to get stuck in the mud — spinning like a wheel over and over again in our minds. These thoughts often replay the what and the why of the divorce. Over time, they become what we call “stories” or “narratives.” Unfortunately, these explanations usually do not help. They actually can perpetuate hurtful feelings, especially if they are harsh and critical.
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Divorce is difficult to recover from, yet critically important for your own physical and emotional health and that of your children for you to make a full recovery.
Considered akin to the death of a marriage, divorce ranks among the most powerful stressors in adult life because it creates uncertainty in every important aspect of life that was once stable, i.e. work, finances, children, etc. Relationships with friends and family are often affected—and you may wonder about future relationships and if you will ever find love again.
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Recently, a colleague reached out to one of her clients and heard the following voicemail message:
Hi, this is Donna, sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. [pause]. Unless I was once married to you.
The message’s message is clear: speaking to an ex-spouse is not something that Donna (or many people) want to do. Read More
A divorcing couple’s marital dynamic — often the usual pattern of unproductive interactions — is so entrenched that it can be challenging for divorce professionals to avoid it as well.
Many high-conflict couples often interact as “mind readers.” Each person is definitively sure what the other thinks, feels, and intends. Although the level of certainty is absolute, the likely reality is that one’s perspective about the other may be incorrect or only partially correct at best. Read More
Parents experience tremendous upset during divorce, yet despite this must still parent together.
When parents truly acknowledge the potential damage that their conflict can inflict on their children, many begin to find a way to work together so they can put their kids first. Still, some parents engage in negative intimacy—while they manage to legally divorce, they have not emotionally divorced. Read More
As I sat in a recent five-day workshop on how to design and lead a transformational workshop, I had a “Eureka!” moment.
My intention in attending the workshop was to develop transformational workshops for people who were recovering from divorce or facing transitions in their lives. As I was participating in the exercises, an insight dawned on me:
Collaborative practice is transformational work. Read More
When Jeff and I accepted the invitation to visit China, we knew we were going to have a once-in-a-lifetime experience. As we described in our previous blog, our pre-trip planning had been fascinating. Even so, we could never have imagined how amazing the trip would actually be!
Jeff and I stepped off the plane in Wuhan and were immediately met with incredible hospitality. Our greeters, Lily and Finny, were warm, kind and lovely—truly soulful people. Lily is a graduate student and Finny did much of the organization for Oriental Insight, the group that invited us to China. Read More
Confrontation is often interpreted as an attack. In counseling scenarios, regardless of what the professional therapist or mediator is confronting (feelings, ideas, logic, etc.), the client’s response is generally to do one of three things: fight, flee, or freeze.
Fighting back, shutting down, or experiencing a sort of paralysis in thinking is seldom constructive, particularly in a collaborative divorce or a mediation. Professionals seek to help clients move toward resolution, but that becomes challenging when clients focus on “the attack.” Read More