Resolving to Create Deep Peace for Your Children

January was “National Child-Centered Divorce Month,” and we can take this opportunity to look in the rearview mirror and ask ourselves what type of parents we have been. Are we parents who provide our children with the best we have to offer—including fostering the healthiest relationship possible with the other parent?

Have we given our children the protective environment of two parents? If your honest answer is ‘no’ or ‘not really’, you have the opportunity to look ahead and ask what it would take to create deep peace—that is created by this safe environment—for your children in the coming year. Can you resolve that this year you will put your love for your children first and foremost—ahead of any anger and bitterness that remains with their other parent?

To work on building this sense of deep peace, it is important to first ask yourself: What would deep peace look and feel like to my children?

I would define deep peace as an emotionally safe environment in which children know, at their core, that their world isn’t vulnerable to disruption by conflict between their parents. A world in which they don’t have to walk on eggshells in fear that conflict can erupt at any moment.

They would know, without a doubt, that they would never hear either of their parents say a bad word about each other or anyone else in their extended family or community.
Neither one of their parents would ever probe about the other parent, the time they spent together, or any aspect of their life.
They would be able to fully enjoy their time with each parent without any guilt, loyalty conflict, or worry.
They would feel free to love both of their parents without any fear of hurting or disappointing a parent or being disloyal.
They would be kept completely safe from hearing their parents argue or fight and safe from experiencing the non-verbal signs of tension between their parents.
They would never hear either parent blame the other, share too much information about the divorce, or shame each other.
They would know that they have safe homes with both of their parents and that all of the things they need would be available to them wherever they are—without question or concern.
They would feel that whenever they have a special event in their lives, their family will participate without evidence of anger, rancor, or awkward moments.

By building this protective environment where your children can have the experience of emotional safety and deep peace, you will be teaching them valuable life lessons about resiliency and relationships. They will see firsthand that their parents are people who have the capacity, flexibility, and maturity to grow and change—maintaining the sacred role of parenting even when their marriage didn’t work out the way they hoped it would.

My Divorce Recovery

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033