How to Avoid Getting Sucked Into an (Email) Argument: 4 Steps to Not Step in the Quicksand

It’s easy to get drawn into conflict, especially over email. It goes back and forth with the end result being another argument. You’re not alone, especially among those divorcing. It’s easy to be provoked. Instead, next time you receive a long-winded email try following these steps.

1. Don’t make it about you or focus on the length of the email: You don’t have to pay attention to the hostility and criticism. Read past those words. Isolate, or even highlight, the words that are dealing with the child-related issues that need to be handled.

2. Stick to the main child-centered question at hand: For example, if the main question is “Did you sign the children up for soccer?” there could be two pages of history, and all the blame that comes with that. If you stick to the main question, then the answer to that would be pretty much a “yes” or “no” or “I’m going to” or “I’m about to.” If you signed the children up, you could then even provide specific information about practice times and games. This serves as a model of appropriate child-centered communication. You can be the parent that sets the standard for best practices when it comes to co-parenting communication.

3. Ignore the hostility:  Hostility coming at you is like quicksand. It is difficult to get out of and can envelop you if you go into it. It just doesn’t end well. Parental conflict virtually never ends with the other parent saying, “Gee, you know, I think you are right. I never saw it that way, but now I do.” It just cycles around in a loop with the same old arguments or themes playing over and over again, as blame goes from one parent to the other and then back again. If you stay child-centered, you don’t have to respond to all the hostility. You can let it go.

4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t have to respond to all the details which are more examples of criticism or blame (such as what you did or they did or didn’t do). Don’t get lost in the details bickering over things that ultimately don’t matter in terms of the overall well-being of the children. Many times such battles are about who is in control, rather than what truly will make a substantial difference in the child’s experience. 

Let go of the hostility so you and your children can be better off and less stressed. It literally takes two to battle. Don’t be one of the two. Instead, stay in control of your own reaction and don’t step in the quicksand.